With Saturn in Hell

I want to tell you about yesterday morning’s dream. It was an especially bad one. In the dream I am with several people. They are members of the mystery religion of Saturn. They are making batches of a drug and they claim it will make the person who takes it “See with the eyes of Saturn.” I understand that it is a mind-altering drug that changes reality. I have come to take the drug, but after seeing it made I am not sure if I ought to. They mix the gritty paste in filthy shallow tin basins. It’s made out of some sort of dusty coarse grit mixed with human urine, then left to ferment until it forms a lumpy soggy mush of rotten piss. Now I am trying to decide if I can really go through with it. I want to but I’m afraid of eating the nasty drug substance. I ask someone what the experience of seeing with the eyes of Saturn is like, and he tells me, “Actually, I find it to be very unpleasant. The time I did it I wished I could get out of it.” This increases my worries. I am also aware that there is a doctor present. I ask him if there are any health risks to eating this filthy rotten paste, but he won’t give me a straight answer about it. He does not seem to know.

I notice that Saturn is actually here with us. He appears as an enormous roach with long brittle paper-thin wings. He sits perched upright on a rail, almost like an owl or large bird on a perch. He is black and slimy. The most remarkable thing about him is his antenna. They squirm and writhe all over themselves like greasy snakes. I look into Saturn’s ancient insect face. It sounds ridiculous, even Kafkaesque, but the emotion of the dream was one of deep horror –not a damn bit funny. Even when I am awake the image is so deeply upsetting that I can’t shake the feeling that hell is a reality and that I have seen some part of it.